I've had a frustrating past couple of weeks.
School has been super hard this semester.
I'm in more ASL classes than I've ever been in before, and I'm taking a math class.
Math and I argue a whole lot. I've never been good at math.
The last two weeks have been super frustrating because I feel like I got caught in a learning rut.
I know for a fact that I'm not the only one that has gone through it, ever.
I know that anyone learning a new language has a hard time and sometimes goes through ruts where they feel like they're just not understanding anything their peers say.
That's been my life the last 3 weeks.
Everyday I go to class, sit down, and just think to myself the whole time, "I don't understand anything that was just said." And that would pretty much sum up every class for the entire week.
I was so frustrated, and very down on myself.
Math has been more or less the same story. I go to class, and just sit there with a confused look on my face. I'm taking steps to understand the problems and the overall gist of the sections. It's just been hard.
Kyle's been a wonderful help. He's so patient with me; even when I get so frustrated that I get a little catty.
All of this has surmounted into a very frustrated and a very self-conscience Destinee.
At times I felt like I didn't even want to go to school because I felt like it would just be easier to give up.
But then Kyle and I had a conversation about just that.
Kyle has recently gone back to Primercia. It's an absolutely wonderful company and when Kyle worked there the first time he had a lot of fun there. But times got hard and income wasn't happening, so Kyle had to take a step back from Primerica and go onto a job that had an hourly wage.
Then we had some family stuff go on, and that postponed Kyle going back to Primerica a little bit longer.
Once Kyle got a car that was dependable, he was able to go back to Primercia.
I haven't seen him this happy since the last time he was there. He's so happy to be back there doing what he wants to do.
But he still has the fear of it blowing up in his face like it did last time.
He told me one day, "I get so worried that I'm not going to make it, and I don't feel like going into work because I'm scared. But then I sit there and think to myself how pointless that is to just sit there, because of course I'm going to fail if I don't do anything."
I'm absolutely terrified that I'm not going to be enough. Not smart enough to pass the interpreter test, not smart enough to realize there may be a conflict of interest in the interpreting process and I could get myself into trouble. Not a good enough interpreter to transfer the message in the most accurate way possible. Not good enough to be an interpreter that everyone says, "Yeah, she's a good interpreter."
But you know what? I'm never going to know unless I do it. Unless I do my best to become that good interpreter who knows her limits, but isn't afraid to push herself.
I'm never going to know unless I wake up every morning and go to school.
I'm never going to know unless I go out there and do the very best I can.
I'm never going to know if I don't suck it up, swallow my fear and just get out there.
So that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to accept the frustration.
I'm going to accept the fact that there are going to be times when I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm going to accept that there is always room for improvement.
I'm going to accept that the amount of things I understand in one day doesn't reflect the kind of person I am.
I just have to go and do and be.
Because I'm amazing.
I just forget that sometimes.
(:
